Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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