hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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