I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
