My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
