Someone shit on the floor
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Never underestimate the power of titties
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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