Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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