Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
