If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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