my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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