Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
