she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
