Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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