remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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