I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
