I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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