I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
