Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Randomize