Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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