She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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