didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
