Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
