dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
