....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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