My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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