Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
