i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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