i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
i out mim tonsoeep
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