You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
