we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize