i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize