I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
it was like eating out sand paper
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
