I wish I only lived at night.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
