Apparently you make a good broom.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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