a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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