oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
