Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Text me some of your sweat
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