if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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