He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
