I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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