Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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