The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
