watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize