hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
