Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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