Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
