The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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