you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
