dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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