I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You pole danced in your parka.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
