Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
