I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
