So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
So squirting runs in the family.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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