Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
