I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Randomize
