just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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