my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
How does it feel to date your dad?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize