remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
