you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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