the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I smell like Dick and happiness
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